We live in a parenthood obsessed society.

Phrases like “when are you going to have a child, do you have children, why don’t you have kids yet” are as normalized as talking about the weather.

They shouldn’t be. A few reasons why.

It’s 2023, we’re striving for a more inclusive progressive and accepting society.

Procreating is not our life’s purpose, although, it’s still a societal expectation and parenthood, specifically motherhood is held on a pedestal. Those who procreate have more “worth” than those who don’t.

At least, that is how those of us who do not can be made to feel, when asked these empty questions. We almost have to anticipate them. My husband tells me he has a default answer “no kids but a cat, moving on” well practiced and ready. Mine’s not quite so well oiled and still gets me anxious and often a fumbled answer.

For many, not having a child is a decision. One that should be readily accepted without judgement, question or stigma. But it’s not. Yet.

Or in my own case, it’s something I have had to come to terms with. One that my husband and I desperately wanted and yet one that one that isn’t to be.

I am fortunate that having a child has not been my only dream. It has been an incredibly painful experience and, I am grateful that I have so many other things in my life that give it meaning and purpose. I am a wife, a daughter, a doctor and many many other things.

One thing this experience has shown me, is just how damaging the rhetoric that parenthood is the only way one can find meaning and contribute.

It’s an isolating place to be in society that has this invisible hierarchy. I’ve found it hard to find where I fit. Something I’m still navigating. Even giving a voice to things that we find hard, is something I’m finding gives me a sense of place. Talking about my experience with an eating disorder, infertility pregnancy loss early menopause all things that society doesn’t like to talk about. There are many ways to find meaning without “motherhood”.

Those of us, childless by choice or not are silenced and invalidated by society.

Phrases like;

“You have no idea what it’s like unless you have a child, you don’t know tiredness without a child, you don’t know love without a child” I could go on and on in the ways people are invalidated.

No, we may not know the same tiredness, love, or fears. And*** you are missing the mark on so many levels.

You don’t, know their struggles, grief, tiredness with infertility or pregnancy loss.

The people you are making these flippant remarks to, may be dreaming of the opportunity of that tiredness, that love and you are pointing out, over and over to them what they are missing & perhaps will never have.

Where there is a place for you to freely voice your struggles and your fears around parenthood or tiredness there isn’t the same compassionate welcoming space for the childless. Their voices go unheard.

And so, think next time before you do this, please. Whilst your struggles are valid, so are the people who have to receive them.

The childless in society are the ones who often have to work so that you get to spend Christmas’, holidays with your children. They’re expected to.

From my own experience I’ve at times welcomed the escape of working these periods because they serve of a reminder of what has been missing.

Other times, when people tell me they are times for “children or family” this has hurt.

Who is to dictate what family is.

Families come in all shapes and sizes. My family happens to be my husband and my cat. My parents, sibling, nieces and nephews. They are all valid.

Just because a person doesn’t have a child, it does not mean we don’t deserve to spend with our families, so that you can have all the holidays. There is no hierarchy of worth with family.

And so if you have read this as someone new to the notion that asking questions about “when someone is going to have a child”. Or perhaps you are a parent and didn’t realize that telling someone without they “can’t possibly understand what it’s like”, I hope this has perhaps given you a new perspective, something to think about the next time you go to do this. Please stop yourself.

Thank you from the childless community.